All in the Golden Afternoon
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Jervis Tetch, aka the Mad Hatter, discovers that his Alice is going to be married, and determines to stop the wedding by any methods necessary. Thanks to Harlequinader, who has a knack for reading my mind and suggesting stories featuring characters I really want to write :-p
1. Chapter 1

**All in the Golden Afternoon**

"Let go of him!" shrieked Harley Quinn, leaping onto Batman's shoulders and wrapping her legs around his neck as she punched him repeatedly in the head. Batman hissed in pain, and then flung up his arm, where he held a struggling Joker by the back of his collar, slamming him into Harley and knocking her backward with a shriek. Her legs were clasped tightly around his neck, however, and she recovered herself quickly, resuming her punching. Batman slammed Joker into her again, loosening her grip.

"Hey…cool it…Bats!" chuckled Joker between each blow, laughing. "I know…Harley enjoys…being pounded by me…but this is…ridiculous!"

The final blow knocked Harley to the ground, and Batman threw Joker on top of her. His other arm held a shrieking and struggling Poison Ivy, who he now shoved backward into the hands of the Arkham guards, waiting with a straightjacket at the ready. Ivy was immediately restrained but still fought like a tiger to get free as the guards wrestled her to the ground. Batman then rushed over to where Two-Face was strangling Edward Nygma and ripped him off him, as another group of guards descended upon them with straightjackets. Batman ducked suddenly as Jonathan Crane flew past where he had been standing a moment ago and hit the wall, thrown by Killer Croc who now raced toward Batman, roaring. Batman jumped out of the way and Croc ran at full speed into the wall, knocking himself unconscious. Crane struggled to his feet, gasping, and then kicked Croc. "Idiotic brute…" he snapped, before he was knocked to the ground and restrained.

Batman stood slowly up, looking around. "Is that everyone who's incarcerated at the moment?" he asked Dr. Leland.

She counted the prone, incapacitated inmates, frowned, and then counted again. "We're missing one," she said. "Jervis Tetch."

"Jervis is still in his cell," growled Crane. "He didn't come to breakfast."

"Why not?" asked Dr. Leland.

Crane shrugged, or as much as he could shrug in a straightjacket. "He didn't say."

"He must have said something," retorted Batman.

"Indeed he did. He said he had no inclination to join us at breakfast," retorted Crane.

"And he didn't tell you, his friend, why?" demanded Batman.

"He did not," replied Crane. "And being his friend, I respect him too much to pry into his business. If he wanted to give me any reason for his absence, I am sure he would have. Otherwise it's none of my concern."

"I'm so sorry we had to make you come all this way, Batman, but we've never had anything like this before, and the guards couldn't handle it," explained Dr. Leland.

"Who started the fight?" demanded Batman.

"Who always starts the fights?" snapped Ivy, furiously. "His Eminence the Clown Prince! Because he thinks he's so goddamn funny!"

"What was the gag this time, Joker?" snapped Batman. He didn't receive a response. "Joker?" he repeated.

"Hang on, Bats…clown's got my tongue," giggled Joker, managing to pull himself away from Harley's mouth for a moment. She instantly drew him back down to her, wrapping her legs around him.

"Look, just get off of her!" snapped Batman, ripping him away.

"You dumb jerk!" shrieked Harley. "You get us all excited by beating us up and then interrupt us in the middle of things?! It ain't right to do that to a gal! You ain't any kind of gentleman!"

She slapped Batman across the face, just before the Arkham guards bundled her into a straightjacket. Batman held Joker up by the collar. "What started it?" he demanded.

Joker shrugged. "Wasn't even my best gag, if I'm honest, Bats. Eddie Nygma made up some stupid riddle about Harvey's face, so Harvey told Eddie where he could shove his riddles, and then Pammie said that we were all a bunch of children sometimes. And I said she was the most well-developed child I had ever seen, and she punched me in the face. So then Harley attacked her and things escalated from there."

Batman dropped him to the ground where the guards pounced to restrain him. "You _are _a bunch of children sometimes!" he snapped. "A bunch of self-centered, irresponsible, violent children, and you need to grow-up! You've all been relatively unhurt by me, but if this ever happens again, I'm going to beat each and every one of you to within an inch of your life!"

"You're such a tease, Batsy!" chuckled Joker.

Batman seized him by the hair and slammed his face into the stone floor. "I'll see you later, Dr. Leland," he muttered, storming from the room.

"You big bully!" shrieked Harley after him, struggling to get free and over to Joker, who was laughing hysterically as blood poured from his nose. "Are you all right, my poor, precious, puddin'?"

"Yeah, ain't the first time he's broken my nose," chuckled Joker. "One of these days he'll break it back to its original position, but it might have to travel around my face first!" he laughed.

"Take them all back to their cells, and keep the straightjackets on," sighed Dr. Leland, leaving the room and rubbing her temples.

"Well, you were lucky, Jervis," sighed Crane as he was returned to his cell. "You missed quite the ridiculous rumpus at breakfast."

There was silence from the neighboring cell. "Jervis?" repeated Crane. "Are you all right?"

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" muttered Tetch.

"I…don't know," replied Crane slowly.

"Nor I," sighed Tetch. "Nor I. I haven't the slightest idea."

And there was silence. Crane cleared his throat. "You'll forgive me for prying, Jervis, but you seem more…enigmatic than usual. I mean, I expect the Alice quotes when you talk to the others, but when we converse, you know you can speak plainly…"

"Don't mention her name!" Tetch hissed suddenly.

"Oh…I'm sorry," said Crane, puzzled. "You don't normally mind talking about…"

"I've received some very dreadful news, Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "Very bad. Very bad indeed. Almost as bad as it always being six-o'clock, and time for tea. But there is no tea, you see, Jonathan? Not a drop of tea left now."

He was silent again. "Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Crane gently.

"No, no, impossible to help," sighed Tetch. "Almost as impossible as…love."

He sighed deeply and then said, "I shall stop speaking in riddles – it's very rude, you know."

"I don't imagine Nygma thinks so," retorted Crane.

"It is rude because it forces people to consider a conundrum," continued Tetch. "And life is full of so many conundrums already. It is bad manners to introduce more. I daresay there is no room for them."

A moment later, a newspaper was slipped between the bars into Crane's cell. He read the page that had been folded over, or at least, all of the text he could make out that hadn't been smudged with tears.

_Pleased to announce the wedding of…Alice Pleasance and William Dodgson…scheduled for Saturday afternoon._

"That's her," whispered Tetch. "That's my Alice. And this Saturday afternoon, she will be lost to me forever."

"Oh…Jervis…I'm so sorry," murmured Crane.

"I knew she would never be mine," he whispered. "Deep down I knew…she would never come back. Did I ever tell you about Alice?"

Crane was silent. "No, I don't think you ever have," he replied. "Not the entire story. All I know is that the ending is an unhappy one."

"Yes, and what happens in a story doesn't really matter," sighed Tetch. "People are only interested in how it ends. It does end, as you say, unhappily. When I used to work for Wayne Enterprises, Alice was my secretary. She was…so beautiful. And so kind. Always ready with a smile, always interested in my day, and my research. I don't think the child quite understood it all, of course, but then who can? It didn't matter. She was sweet and patient and for a few, blissful months, I allowed myself to hope that her interest in me was not a purely professional one. But then…he came along. Billy. Some brutish boor of a man, handsome, oh yes, but with no intellect, no manners, who treated her like…well, he never hit her to my knowledge, but she came into work many times upset with him because he had shouted at her and argued with her. His adoration of her came nowhere near my adoration of her. I worshipped the ground she walked on, and he saw her as…I loathe to use the term in relation to my Alice…an…easy woman. One in a line of many women he had dated before, while to me…to me she was my one and only. Well, her infatuation with the brute grew worse. She brought pictures of him in to place on her desk, she would tell me stories about all the lovely places he had taken her for dinner, but I knew his game. I knew exactly what he was after. She, the poor, sweet, innocent child, how could she? She had no knowledge of the world, nor of the sick, twisted creatures who live in it. But he won in the end. He did seduce her, I'm sure of it, because after that, her attitude toward me changed. She no longer had time to listen to my stories, she had no interest in my research. It was all Billy, Billy this, Billy that, Billy, Billy, Billy, until I got sick of hearing the monster's name! And then one day…one day she came to work in tears. She told me that she and the brute had fought, and he had ended their relationship. She was so…distraught. It broke my heart. I wanted to help her, to make her feel better, to get her mind off the beast. So I took her out to dinner. It was a beautiful evening, the most magical evening of my life, and it was like being back with the old Alice again. She was so sweet and generous, kind and solicitous and compassionate. She did care about me. I know she did. But I never made any advances on her – it was a pure and chaste evening, and I went home with a light heart. But I should never have left her alone, for the serpent stealed back and whispered in her ear, whispered poison and lies and deceit, so that when she came to work the next day, she informed me that they were engaged to be married. I was furious and upset, for myself, of course, but mostly for her. For her, for how could she not see him for the monster he was? It was nonsense, an angel like her wanting to marry a brute like him, utter nonsense! And he would hurt her, for the rest of their lives, he would trample her and treat her like dirt. She would regret it, and I could not bear to think of Alice living her life in regret. So I tried to save her from it. I used my mind-control on him and, when I was forced to, on her. It was Batman's doing, all Batman's doing, and I tried to make him pay. I failed. She was reunited with Billy, and I was made out to be the monster, the brute, the villain, when I was only trying to save her, when everything I did was for her own happiness. I would have made her happy, you see. I would have devoted my whole life to making her happy, if she would have let me. But she didn't. She left with the brute, and I was confined here. But I always thought that one day…she would come back to me. She would realize her mistake, that I was not the evil man trying to hurt her, that that was him. That she would see him for the monster he is and leave him, and return to me, who only ever loved her, who only ever wanted to see her happy. But that was…just a dream, Jonathan. Just a dream which fades away, all in the golden afternoon."

There was silence again. "I'm so sorry, Jervis," whispered Crane.

"I can't let it happen, Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "I have to get out of here. I can't let her make that terrible mistake, binding herself to the creature forever. I must find a way to escape."

"If there is anything I can do…" began Crane.

"Just leave me alone to think, if you would," replied Tetch. "I appreciate your sympathy, Jonathan, that is the honest truth, but now is not the time for words, but for thought. There is no problem so great that thinking cannot overcome it."

Crane nodded. "I wish you all the luck in the world," he said sincerely. "I truly do."


	2. Chapter 2

"Has anyone seen Jervis today?" asked Crane, entering the Rec Room the next morning.

"Who cares?" retorted Joker.

"I do, that's why I asked," snapped Crane. "He's not in his cell, but to my knowledge he has not left the asylum. Does anyone know if he's been reported as escaped?"

Joker snorted. "I repeat, who would care? Hatty's like, what, just scraping the top twenty on Batsy's enemies list? Aw, what the heck, I'm in a generous mood today – we'll say top ten. Hang on – there's me, but I'm a list all to myself, basically. And then there's Harvey – I'll put him second because of his two fetish, not because of any actual talent…"

"Bite me, clown," growled Two-Face.

"Hey, I said you were second, Harv, you should be grateful!" replied Joker. "I suppose in the interests of equal opportunity, we should have a woman next, so we'll say Pammie's third…"

"I'm a better criminal than the two of you put together," snapped Ivy.

"Oh please," retorted Joker. "What actual talents have you got, Pammie? You cheat by using weeds to do your dirty work, and the only real asset you got is the fact that you're hot. I mean, so am I, but you don't see me using my physical appearance to my advantage. I don't go around trying to seduce the Bat with my looks. I ain't a superficial guy like that."

"What about me, puddin'?" asked Harley, beaming. "Where am I on the list?"

He patted her head. "Aw, sweets, you ain't on the list! You ain't a threat on your own – you only exist as a supercriminal because of Daddy. You're more like an accessory to me than an enemy to Bats."

Harley's eyes narrowed. "I'm a damn good enemy to Bats, Mr. J," she snapped. "And I'm a lot more than your goddamn accessory!"

Joker chuckled. "No, you ain't, pooh. You're like a fancy car – something sleek and hot to make Daddy look even more amazing than he already is. But Daddy loves driving his Harley, yes, he does," he purred, kissing her.

Harley squeaked happily. "Aw, I love you too, puddin'!" she sighed.

"I'm gonna go be sick somewhere," said Ivy, storming from he room in disgust.

"Don't you worry, Pammie, we'll be gone soon!" chuckled Joker. "Harley and me are busting out this evening – got it all planned out! Don't pretend you won't miss us!" he laughed.

"So nobody's seen Jervis?" asked Crane, returning to his original question.

"Nope, your boyfriend ain't here, Johnny," retorted Joker, chuckling. "Sorry to disappoint you."

Crane sighed. "I just hope he hasn't gone and done something desperate. He's terribly depressed."

"Yeah? You and he having relationship problems?" asked Joker. "I recommend a firm backhand. It usually solves everything, and leaves 'em begging for more."

"Oh, for God's sake, we're not a couple!" snapped Crane. "And the reason he's depressed is because the woman he loves is going to marry another man this weekend unless he can find a way to break out and put a stop to it!"

"Is this that kid he's in love with?" asked Joker. "Kinda sick all that, if you ask me. The guy's clearly got some pedophilic tendencies, wanting a girl half his age and getting off on all that kiddie stuff…hey, cool it, you little brat!" he snapped as Harley climbed onto his lap.

"Aw, but puddin', your Harley girl is in the mood for a real hard spanking," breathed Harley. "I've been thinking such dirty thoughts ever since you mentioned driving me. You wanna punish me for being such a bad little girl, Daddy?"

"Maybe later, kiddo," he retorted, shoving her off his lap. "What was I saying?"

"How Jervis appears to have pedophilic tendencies for wanting a girl half his age and being sexually aroused by child terminology," retorted Crane, looking pointedly from him to Harley.

"Oh yeah. Real sick freak, like I said," continued Joker, nodding. "Harley, no. Bad girl," he said, pushing her hands away from his belt.

"Don't you love your bad girl, Daddy?" she whispered. "C'mon, Mr. J, make her scream real hard."

"I said later, you greedy little brat!" he snapped. "Hatty!" he exclaimed, beaming as Tetch suddenly entered the room. "Any plans for the weekend?" Joker laughed, and then began humming _Here Comes the Bride_.

"Oh, go away, you annoying little man," muttered Tetch under his breath as he went to go sit down in a corner of the room, holding his head in his hands. Crane went over to join him.

"Any ideas?" he asked.

Tetch shook his head. "No. I have nothing here to work with, Jonathan. There's no way I can get my hands on any of my technology, secured as it is inside the high security vault. And I've no chance of overpowering the guards on my own. But there…has to be a way! There just has to! I can't give up! I can't abandon Alice to that brute!"

"I said cool it, you useless, irritating waste of space!" shouted Joker suddenly, shoving Harley off his lap again and striking her a harsh blow across the face. "I dunno why you're too thick to get that through your empty blonde skull, you stupid, annoying, pathetic woman!" he yelled, hitting her repeatedly.

And then, suddenly, to everyone's surprise, Tetch started to his feet, rushed at Joker, and punched him hard in the jaw. The blow knocked him to the ground, and for a moment, there was stunned silence as everyone struggled to process the completely unprecedented situation.

"You vile beast!" shrieked Tetch. "You don't even know how fortunate you are, to have the true and unconditional devotion of a woman! And do you deserve it?! No! You're just like the monster, destroying innocence, maiming beauty, breaking, tearing, ripping, hurting, incapable of love! Why, WHY do beautiful, gentle women allow themselves to be abused and trampled by the likes of you and him?! Has the whole world gone mad?! It has, hasn't it?! We're all mad here!"

Joker was gazing at him in astonishment. "You just…hit me," he murmured. "_You _just hit…_me_. That doesn't make any sense…"

"You may call it 'nonsense' if you like, but I'VE heard nonsense, compared with which that would be as sensible as a dictionary!" retorted Tetch. "And Contrariwise, it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic. If seven maids with seven mops swept it for half a year, do you suppose, the Walrus said, that they could get it clear? I doubt it, said the Carpenter, and shed a bitter tear. How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail? And pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale…"

Everyone just stared at Tetch, who appeared to be babbling nonsense now. "Yes, come on, Jervis, let's go now," said Crane, grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the room before Joker could regain his senses, or as much of his senses as he usually had, at any rate.

"Just what the hell did you do that for?" demanded Crane when they had safely returned to his cell. "You don't think you have enough problems without Joker after your blood?!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," murmured Tetch, burying his face in his hands. "It was just…uncontrollable. I didn't see Harley – I saw Alice, and I saw her future at the hands of the monster." He sighed heavily. "Although frankly, if Joker does intend to kill me as revenge, it would be a welcome release."

"You mean you'd abandon Alice to that brute?" demanded Crane. "That's not the Jervis I know. He doesn't give up, especially not when she is involved."

Tetch nodded firmly. "You're right, Jonathan. There must be a way."

Crane was silent. "I suppose…if someone else were planning on breaking out…you could always ask to tag along. If you promised them some form of reward for it, of course."

Tetch looked at him. "You know someone who's planning on breaking out soon?"

Crane nodded. "Tell me!" cried Tetch, eyes alight with hope and desperation. "Tell me and I will give them anything in the world that they desire!"

"Well, I heard that…the Joker was planning on breaking out this evening," said Crane, slowly.

Tetch stared at him. "The Joker?" he repeated. "The man I just punched in the face?"

"That's him, yes," replied Crane.

"And do you have any miracle suggestion as to how I can get him to oblige me, especially after what's happened?" pressed Tetch.

Crane thought. "No, not him," he replied. "But perhaps if you tell Harley all about you and Alice, she would be on your side. You know what a hopeless romantic the child is. I think she would be willing to help if she knew all, and perhaps she would be able to influence the monster somehow."

"You think she has any influence over him?" asked Tetch.

Crane shrugged. "I don't know. But it's a hope, albeit a small one."

"Yes. There hasn't been a smaller hope since the Knave of Hearts hoped to be found not guilty of stealing the tarts baked by the Queen of Hearts."

Crane looked at him. "It's a nursery rhyme," explained Tetch. "It also features in…"

"The works of Lewis Carroll, I know," interrupted Crane. "Although perhaps one day you'll surprise me by quoting something else."

"A leopard cannot change his spots, Jonathan," retorted Tetch.

"Goodness, the Bible," said Crane, surprised. "I do believe you're getting better."


	3. Chapter 3

"I dunno why I should listen to what any guy has to say who would punch my angel in the face," snapped Harley, her arms folded across her chest as she glared at Tetch.

"Your angel?" repeated Tetch, in disbelief. "He was beating you…"

"Because he loves me," retorted Harley. "It was for my own good. I was being greedy, and Mr. J doesn't want me to turn into a spoiled brat. I should have listened to him when he said later. It was my fault."

Tetch and Crane shared a look. Then Tetch smiled. "You must really be in love with him to forgive him such things, Harley."

"Yeah, I really am," sighed Harley, dreamily. "Mr. J is just the greatest. We've got a kinda mad love, and people just don't really get it most of the time."

"Oh, indeed, I know how difficult it is to be considered mad in love," said Tetch. "If only other people could understand the sentiments you and I feel, Harley. The mindless, slavish, complete devotion to our respective idols, people of such rare beauty and perfection which the world cannot see, but we see, though the eyes of love."

"He is beautiful, ain't he?" sighed Harley, adoringly. "Just the most beautiful, gorgeous, perfect man in the whole wide world! My perfect precious puddin'!"

"It is a kind of love reserved for the privileged few, Harley," continued Tetch. "For people like you and me, who can appreciate and understand it. That rare, wonderful moment, when you see their face for the first time, and it hits you, like a bolt of lightning, that this is the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life, and beyond eternity. That feeling of certainty, of knowing that there will be no one else for you ever. That this is your destiny. Your one true love. Your soulmate."

"Yeah," cooed Harley. "That's what happened when I saw Mr. J for the first time. His face, his smile, his voice, his laugh…his first words to me… 'Well, hello, Doc! Be happy to drop my pants for you, sweetheart!' Love at first sight for both of us."

"Her first words to me were 'I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Tetch. My name is Alice.' And I knew in that instant that we were meant to be together forever," murmured Tetch.

Harley's eyes were filling with tears. "Yeah? You really knew, just like that? Just like I did?"

Tetch nodded. "Just like you did, Harley," he agreed. "And now imagine, if you will, the Joker…"

"He's all I ever imagine, Jervis," purred Harley.

"Engaged to be married to someone else," continued Tetch. "Imagine that the unholy ceremony, the horror, the unbearable travesty, will occur this weekend. And imagine you are locked up in here unable to do anything about it."

Tears continued to stream down Harley's face, but now her eyes narrowed in anger. "Mr. J would never marry anyone else but me!" she sobbed. "And one day we are gonna be married, and it's gonna be the most beautiful wedding you ever saw in your life! There's gonna be a seven-tiered cake with purple frosting and a little me and Mr. J on top, and I'm gonna have a gorgeous dress with a white veil and a big sparkly diamond ring, and we're gonna have our honeymoon at Niagara Falls! And we'll be Mr. and Mrs. J, forever and always, til death do we part, I do!"

She appeared to have lost herself in some dream world in her head, for her eyes were faraway and glassy as she whispered, gazing off into the middle distance, "You may kiss the bride, puddin'."

"Um…yes," agreed Tetch. "Yes, of course, Harley, whatever you say. But while I have every confidence that your fairy tale romance will end with the appropriate happily ever after, mine will end in misery and loneliness. I will be deprived of my soulmate forever, doomed to wander the road of life alone with my regret, and the knowledge of what I might have had. And there is no greater tragedy than that, would you not agree?"

"Uh huh," said Harley, and she started crying again. "It's the saddest thing I ever heard! Aw, Jervis, I'm so sorry!" she sobbed, suddenly embracing him tightly. "If only there was something I could do to help ya!"

"Well, now that you mention it, Harley, perhaps there is," said Tetch. "Perhaps there is one, small hope left to me, a hope that you can provide. You have the power to reunite me and my Alice, in your hands rests the whole of my future happiness. All you have to do is let me escape with you when you break out of the asylum tonight, so I can stop this wedding from taking place. But it all depends on you."

"Really?" squeaked Harley, excitedly. "Aw, Jervis, of course I'll help you - you just say the word! I'll do anything to bring two loving hearts together!"

"And…will the Joker, do you think?" asked Tetch, slowly.

"Of course he will – Mr. J's as big a romantic as I am!" exclaimed Harley. "He's just a sap for all that true love stuff! C'mon, Jervis, we'll go talk to him right now!" she said, taking his hand and dragging him away. Crane held up crossed fingers before Tetch lost sight of him.

"Good work, Harley," said Joker, turning as they entered his cell and smiling when he saw Tetch. "You've saved me the trouble of getting my hands dirty and dragging the little runt here myself. I'd rather not touch worms if I can avoid it," he muttered, rolling up his sleeves. "Unless it's to crush them into a sticky, red goo."

"Hey, I didn't bring him here so you could beat him to a pulp," retorted Harley. "I brought him because I wanna know if Jervis can come with us when we bust outta here tonight."

Joker stared at her. "You want me to help the guy who punched me in the face bust outta here?" he asked.

"Yeah, but not because he punched you in the face, puddin'," replied Harley. "I wanna help him because of true love, and that's the most important thing in the world. Y'see…he's in love with a gal who's gonna make a big mistake marrying the wrong guy unless he saves her from it, like if you were gonna marry, say, Red, I'd save you from making that mistake when you had already found your soulmate and you knew it because it hit you like lightning from the very first moment you said you'd drop your pants for her!"

"What the hell are you babbling about?" demanded Joker.

"True love, puddin'!" cried Harley. "The only thing worth living for, and Jervis is gonna lose it! We just gotta help him! We gotta! Please, please, please, Mr. J!"

She started sobbing again, tugging at Joker's arm. He shook her off irritably and then turned to Tetch. "All right, rat, talk," he snapped. "Since Harley seems to have used up her limited brainpower crying. Here, just sit down, kid, before you hurt yourself," he muttered, sitting her down on the bed.

Tetch explained the whole situation again over Harley's loud sobs. When he had finished, Joker leaned back against the wall, tapping the tips of his fingers together. "So lemme get this straight – you wanna crash the wedding so you and the dame can end up happily ever after, sailing off into the sunset like the Owl and the Pussycat?" He smiled. "How's that for an Alice in Wonderland reference, Tetchy?"

"That's…um…Edward Lear, actually," said Tetch, hesitantly. "But well done – right general timeframe…"

"I wouldn't correct a guy whose help you need," retorted Joker. He thought for a moment. "Well, it ain't the craziest scheme I ever heard, but then again, it ain't the sanest, and that's always a plus. Although frankly if I were you, I'd just let the gal marry the guy, then realize her own mistake a couple years down the line and wait for her to come crawling back. Most marriages end in divorce these days anyway – I think it's something like 1 in 3 now. That's one of the reasons I'll never marry Harley – I can't take the risk that we're part of the 2 outta 3 that last!"

He laughed. "All right, Tetchy, you've intrigued me. Let's talk business. If I were to lend a hand in getting you Alice's hand, what would I get in return?"

"Well, I could pay you, of course…" began Tetch.

"Oh please, don't insult me," interrupted Joker, angrily. "Do I look like a guy who does stuff for money?"

"Well…um…why do you do stuff?" asked Tetch, slowly.

Joker gestured to himself. Tetch just stared back at him, puzzled. "I'm the Joker!" he shouted. "Why do you think I do stuff?"

"Um…because it's…funny?" stammered Tetch.

"Well done, you're smarter than the average shrink," retorted Joker. "So what's the gag here, Hat-boy? What's in it for me?"

"Well…er…if you liked, you and Harley could…um…accompany me in…in crashing Alice's wedding," said Tetch. "I imagine you could find a great deal of amusement and diversion in that. And appropriate, since it is a joke of a wedding, that you would be on hand to…tell jokes. It would be a…um…merry marriage?"

Joker looked at him. "Really? That's the best you got? Aw, c'mon, Tetchy, I'm sure we can do better. How about a marriage mocked? A civil comedy? Service with a smile?"

"A commedia dell'heart, puddin'," suggested Harley.

"I don't get it," he retorted.

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', yes, you do," retorted Harley. "Commedia dell'heart. Like commedia dell'arte. Commedia dell'arte is where the character of Harlequin is from. Course he was a guy, but I'd never name my son Harley…"

"Not a joke if you have to explain it," snapped Joker. "I dunno how many times I have to tell you that before you get it through your thick skull, you dumb blonde. We're gonna go with Service with a Smile, caper number 856,328. You writing that down, Harley?"

"Yes, puddin', I'll add it to the scrapbook," she sighed.

"Harley's logging all my schemes for posterity," explained Joker, smiling. "It's only fitting that genius such as mine should be remembered forever. Long after I'm gone, people will be talking about such great gags as 'The Laughing Fish' and 'The Death of a Hundred Smiles.'"

"You had to scrap Death of a Hundred Smiles, puddin'," said Harley.

"Yeah, don't remind me," he muttered. "Genius in theory, impossible in practice. You can't make piranhas smile, Tetchy, did you know that?"

"Um…no," replied Tetch.

"You can if you hang the victim upside-down," muttered Harley, but Joker struck her violently across the back of the head.

"I thought we weren't bringing that up again!" he shouted. "Unless you wanna wind up in hospital with most of your bones broken from being shoved outta a window again!"

"Oh right, so when you told me it'd never happen again, that was what, a joke?" demanded Harley. "Pretty lame joke, puddin'."

"Yeah, so it's perfect for you, you pathetic dame!" he retorted.

Harley's eyes filled with tears again. "You know what, Jervis, I take it back!" she snapped. "You'll probably be a lot happier without having to put up with all the crap your true love makes you go through! And so will she!"

She rushed from the cell, sobbing. "She'll be back," said Joker calmly, yawning and lying down. "I'm just gonna catch a quick nap while the brat ain't clinging to me. I suggest you go do the same. We got a long night ahead, and a long couple days after that. But don't you worry. By the end of all this, you and the dame will be hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, dancing by the light of the moon, the moon. Now that's from Alice, right?"

"No, that's…um…Lear again," muttered Tetch. "Same poem, actually…"

"Yeah, I'll be honest with you, I don't think I ever read the Alice book," said Joker, nodding. "Don't think I'm ever gonna either."

"Yes, well, it's not for everyone," said Tetch. "Um…thank you. Shall I just…wait in my cell?"

"Yeah," replied Joker, grinning. "But you'll know when the time comes for the breakout. Just listen for the sound of the shriek."


	4. Chapter 4

Tetch had been dreaming of him and Alice sailing in row boat down a golden river. They reached the bank and he helped her disembark, taking her hand delicately as he would the stem of a precious flower. She smiled at him, looking even more beautiful than ever in her blue dress with the white pinafore, a black band in her golden hair. They walked to where a table had been laid for a tea party. He pulled out her chair and she rewarded him with another gorgeous smile. He sat down next to her and reached for the teapot. "Tea, my dear?" he asked her.

She nodded, smiling. He poured her a cup and one for himself. He then picked it up from its saucer and raised it to her. "To you, my dear," he murmured. "Who makes my world a Wonderland."

She beamed, and then shut her eyes, gently leaning forward. He could feel her small, perfect lips about to meet his, when he was suddenly awoken from the beautiful vision to the sound of a high-pitched shriek.

He started up instantly, but calmed as the shrieking continued. Because he suddenly recognized the voice doing the screaming. "Oh, puddin'! Oh yes! Harder, Mr. J! Oh, nobody can rev me up like you can, puddin'!"

And then he heard the guards shouting, "Hey, somebody go in there and separate them! They can't be doing stuff like that - this is a hospital, for God's sake!"

He heard the door to Joker's cell open, and then a different scream, this time a man's voice in agony as Joker chuckled, "I know, we're terrible role models for the young people, but Harley and me don't believe in safe sex!"

The laughter continued as another guard screamed, and Harley suddenly appeared outside Tetch's cell, carrying a knife covered in blood. "C'mon, Jervis, we're blowing this joint! Which funnily enough is what I just did to Mr. J," she giggled.

"Two sex jokes in a row ain't funny, Harley," snapped Joker, handing Harley the keys he had taken from the body of the dead guard. "Now hurry up. Won't be long before the screaming alerts more guards, and once the alarm goes off, they'll be on us like a pack of ravenous hyenas. Which, funnily enough, is how you were just on me."

"Thought you said two sex jokes weren't funny, Mr. J," snapped Harley, unlocking Tetch's cell.

"They're not. But three is hysterical!" he chuckled. "Now c'mon. Hatty, you better keep up, because we ain't waiting for you!"

He rushed out of the cell block with Harley at his heels. Tetch hastened after them, watching in a kind of awe mixed with admiration as Joker and Harley swiftly took care of any stray guards before they could sound an alarm. Joker had grabbed a fire extinguisher and clubbed them to the ground, while Harley cut their throats. "Sorry boys, guess your life is extinguished!" called Joker after them, chuckling, while Harley giggled.

Reaching the front doors, Joker threw the fire extinguisher hard, knocking them open and filling the air with a cloud of smoke. They reached the parking lot and piled into the nearest car, which Joker hotwired, and then leapt inside, stepping on the gas pedal and speeding off into the streets of Gotham.

Tetch sat in the backseat, trying to catch his breath after the run, while Joker and Harley laughed hysterically. Harley stopped laughing suddenly as she exclaimed, "Puddin', you missed the turnoff!"

"No, I didn't," he retorted. "We ain't going back to the hideout just yet."

"Oh. Where are we going then, puddin'?" she asked.

"Hey, if we're gonna crash a wedding, we're gonna need to look good," said Joker. "Can't be seen at a fancy do like that in these boring clothes. Gray was never my color – not very flattering with the porcelin complexion."

Harley's eyes lit up. "You mean we're gonna go see Francois, puddin'?" she exclaimed.

"Who else?" he asked. "Accept no substitutes. He may be expensive, but he's worth it."

Harley squealed, clapping her hands excitedly. "Francois?" repeated Tetch. "Who is he?"

"Our tailor," retorted Harley.

"The man's a goddamn genius, I swear," said Joker. "I would be jealous, but I'm a genius too."

"Maybe we can see if he can put together something nice for Jervis," said Harley. "He'll probably also wanna look good."

"Well, he's paying for his own suit then," retorted Joker. "Francois don't come cheap."

"He's French," explained Harley. "But he's got the best eye for fashion in the world. He designs all of Mr. J and my clothes. Y'know my classic catsuit? That was him."

"I just said to him, 'Francois, I've got a hot little dame called Harley Quinn – make her something nice to wear.' And he did. Just like that, in a couple days. Harley loved it so much she didn't want to take it off the whole of the first week she had it. Although if I'm honest, the first time I saw her in it, that was all I wanted her to do with it," he chuckled.

Harley giggled. "Naughty boy," she cooed, ruffling his hair.

"And my purple, orange, and green combo was his idea originally," continued Joker. "He said it would match my eyes. And my hair. And flatter my skin tone. And he was right. Genius. Born with it, just like I was. I tell ya, Harl, some people have it, and some people don't. And you don't."

"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder," sighed Harley, adoringly.

Joker snapped his fingers suddenly. "Oh, we'll need to rob a bank on the way there. Francois don't start work without money."

He suddenly pulled the car over in front of a bank. "You wanna come with or stay in the car, Tetchy?" he asked, as he and Harley got out.

"Um…I'll wait here," said Tetch.

"Ok. Get in the driver's seat and be ready to go, would ya?" asked Joker. "Should only take about five minutes."

Sure enough, five minutes later, Joker and Harley dashed out of the bank holding two sacks of loot, with the alarm screeching and guards chasing after them. "Drive, drive, drive!" shouted Joker as they leapt into the backseat.

Tetch obeyed, racing away from the scene of the crime. Joker began counting money. "Think it'll be enough, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Fifty thousand grand? I sure hope so," retorted Joker. "But you never know with these designer types, Harley. Fashion is modern day highway robbery, I tell ya."


	5. Chapter 5

"_Monsieur _Joker and _Mademoiselle _Quinn!" exclaimed Francois, beaming and holding out his arms as they entered the shop. "It has been too long!"

"_Bonjour_, Frankie!" exclaimed Joker, embracing him as they kissed each other's cheeks. "Or, more precisely, _bon_…how do you say evening in French?"

"I think it's _bon nacht_, puddin'," said Harley.

"Ah, _Mademoiselle _Quinn, when one is as beautiful as you, everything you say is _la pure vérité_. Without question," he said, taking her hand and bowing low to kiss it.

Harley giggled. "Aw, Francois, you're such a charmer!" she sighed.

"And you, _Mademoiselle _Quinn, are looking more stunning than ever," he replied. "A true _ange du ciel_. _Monsieur _Joker is a lucky man."

"That's what I tell him," replied Harley, beaming at Joker.

"Hope we're not intruding this late, Frankie," said Joker. "People tend to have plans in the evenings. I know mine are constantly preoccupied with a caped freak in a rodent costume," he chuckled.

"_Mais non, Monsieur _Joker, do not be silly," said Francois, waving his hand. "My clothes are my life. My clothes and my clients, of which you both are, by far, my favorite."

Tetch entered the room at that moment, and Francois looked at him, shocked. "Ah, _Monsieur_…Tetch," he stammered.

"Good evening, Francois," said Tetch, calmly.

Joker looked from one to the other. "You two…know each other?" he asked, slowly.

"Yes, indeed," replied Tetch. "Francois is my tailor too. And he designs my hats. Jonathan introduced me to him."

"Jonathan?" repeated Joker. He stared at Francois in disbelief. "You've been seeing…other villains?"

Francois shrugged. "Merely business, _Monsieur _Joker. But _oui,_ _Monsieur _Tetch is my regular client, along with _Monsieur _Crane. Most of Gotham's rogues gallery, in fact. I am in the process of designing a new suit for _Monsieur _Dent as we speak – half white pinstripes on black, half black pinstripes on white. Will look _tres magnifique_."

Joker looked a little hurt. "Is there no loyalty among tradespeople anymore?" he sighed. "Oh well. I suppose the fact that everyone else uses you proves you're the best."

Francois bowed. "It it true, I must confess. And so what may I do for you all? I can see you all need new clothes, these ones you are wearing are a travesty beyond compare." He clicked his tongue, eyeing the Arkham uniform in disgust. "_Non, non, non_, the asylum, it must hire a new tailor, yes. They must place whoever designed these clothes in there, for he must be a madman, who has committed a grievous crime against fashion."

"We actually need to be dressed to crash a wedding, Frankie, so if you could design us something a little more fancy than usual, that'd be great," said Joker.

"Ah, _mais oui,_ whatever you desire, _Monsieur _Joker," said Francois, bowing. "If you would all take a seat, I will go get my tape measurer. Would anyone like a drink while they wait? Some wine, perhaps? I have an exquisite vintage imported from the _Côtes du Rhône_."

"Got anything imported from a different area of France?" asked Joker. "Say, Bourbon?"

Francois smiled. "_Mais oui, Monsieur _Joker. _Mademoiselle _Quinn?"

"I'll try the fancy wine," said Harley.

"No, she won't," retorted Joker. "She gets all moody and irrational when she drinks. Just bring her a glass of water or something."

"Who do you think you are, my father?" demanded Harley. "I'll drink what I wanna!"

Joker shrugged. "Don't say Daddy didn't warn you. But suit yourself. Though I guess that's Frankie's job!" he chuckled.

"And I'd be most grateful for a cup of tea," said Tetch.

Francois bowed again and left them. "I can't believe he does the others behind our backs," snapped Joker, irritably. "I always thought he meant it when he said we were his favorite customers. Can't trust anyone's word nowadays."

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', you can't hold his business against him," retorted Harley. "Think how hard it would be if people did that to you. Y'know, judged you as evil and insane because you kill hundreds of people in your business with the Bat."

Joker nodded, but still sulked, scowling and folding his arms across his chest. "I would kill him for this, but he makes me look fabulous," he muttered.

Francois brought the drinks on a tray, and then summoned each of them behind the screen he had set up to take their measurements. Harley had already had a few sips of wine when he was ready for her, and she was a little livelier than usual, which was saying something. "Please try to hold still, _Mademoiselle _Quinn, so I may get accurate measurements," said Francois, drawing the tape around her body.

"I can't help it, Francois, you tickle," retorted Harley, giggling. "You better hope Mr. J don't get jealous. He's usually the only guy I let tickle me."

"Yeah, Frankie's a real threat, Harl," said Joker nonchalantly, flipping through a magazine. "I'm sure he's just the type of guy who's dying to have you."

"And why wouldn't he be?" demanded Harley. "I'm a real attractive speciman of womanhood, Mr. J, even if you don't appreciate it!"

"Indeed she is," agreed Francois, nodding. "She has excellent measurements. _Mademoiselle _Quinn, she is not as…robust as _Mademoiselle _Ivy," he said, wrapping the tape around her chest. "_Mademoiselle _Quinn is _petite_. But this is no bad thing – she is beautiful, and we must design clothes worthy of her particular type of beauty."

Harley stared at him, and suddenly her eyes filled with tears. "Mr. J!" she sobbed. "Francois called me petite!"

"You are petite, Harley," retorted Joker, his attention still fixed on the magazine.

"Yeah, but he meant I don't have boobs!" sobbed Harley.

"You don't," he retorted again, not looking up.

Harley sobbed, and her tears began to fall. "No, I don't!" she cried. "I don't, and I ain't as pretty as Red! I ain't half the woman she is! I'm just worthless and ugly and unattractive!" She sobbed again and then rushed off.

"_Mademoiselle _Quinn, I am not finished with your measurements!" called Francois after her.

Joker sighed, putting down the magazine and standing up. "I'll go get her," he muttered. "But y'see why I don't let her drink? Drives her crazy, I tell ya."

He stormed off, and Francois shrugged. "_Monsieur _Tetch, while we wait?" he said, gesturing to the screen.

"What is this wedding you are crashing?" Francois asked as he measured him.

"It's difficult to explain," sighed Tetch. "I am in love with the girl who is to be married. She is making a terrible mistake, and I must save her from it."

"Ah. _Mais oui_," said Francois, and there was silence.

"Have you…ever been in love?" asked Tetch.

"_Oui, oui, _many times," he replied. "Every time I create a new outfit, in fact!" he laughed. "That was a joke, and _Monsieur _Joker did not even hear it," he sighed. "But _oui, Monsieur _Tetch, I am French. I know all about love."

"Are you married?" asked Tetch.

Francois laughed. "I said I knew all about love. People say such things end with marriage. No, I am not married, and I do not wish to be. Because, you see, I do know all about love. And what I know is that it can never be good. Oh, _oui_, sometimes it is pleasure beyond compare, but there is always pain where the heart is involved. Always tragedy. Well, look at _Monsieur _Joker and _Mademoiselle _Quinn. People find them a troubling couple – I believe they do a better job than most of making a relationship work. Love is not meant to be stable and secure and passive, after all, but always passionate and crazy and violent. They exemplify love in all its mad ideal, in all its whirlwind of emotions, pain and suffering and exquisite bliss. But then one cannot have exquisite bliss without pain and suffering."

Francois shrugged, sighing. "The truth is, _Monsieur _Tetch, that I have been in love many times, and it has made me realize that I do not wish to be in love anymore. At least, not with people. People are insane. They are selfish and fickle and unpredictable, they hurt you, sometimes without meaning to, sometimes with the cruelest intent. Some people, like _Mademoiselle _Quinn, they do not mind this. For them, it is something they want, something they need. For myself, I prefer a life without pain. So I do love still – I love my work. I love my clothes. I have transferred my love to something that will never hurt me, something I can devote myself to without the chance of losing it. It is safer, and I am happier for it."

Tetch nodded, but said nothing in return.


	6. Chapter 6

"_Magnifique! _Ah, nobody can wear purple like you, _Monsieur _Joker! And the bowtie is…" Francois could only describe it by kissing his fingertips. "_C'est incroyable!_ The whole outfit says to me 'I am a clown, and I am funny. But I am dangerous. I am to be laughed with, not at, or there will be pain, which I will enjoy, but you will not.' _C'est parfait!_"

"Aw, you'll make me blush, Frankie!" chuckled Joker, beaming as he gazed at his reflection in the mirror. He was wearing a purple tuxedo with an orange shirt, and green cummerbund and bowtie. "But I do look fantastic, don't I?"

"Just gorgeous, puddin'," purred Harley, draping herself over him and nuzzling his cheek. He kissed her.

"How's the head, kiddo?" he asked.

"Fine," she muttered. "I can't believe I got a hangover after only a couple sips. I've turned into a real lightweight, Mr. J. Back in college I could knock back cocktails like they were fruit juice."

"They probably were," he retorted. "You probably thought you were drunk when really you were just acting the way you normally do."

"Now Mr. J, I wouldn't have started dancing on tabletops and singing at the top of my lungs if I hadn't been drunk," snapped Harley.

"You did, just a couple days ago in the asylum," retorted Joker. "And you couldn't have been drunk then because there ain't no alcohol in Arkham. Believe me, I've looked."

Harley shrugged. "Well, what can I say? I'm just a happy gal."

"And hopefully about to become an even happier one, if you are as equally pleased with my work as _Monsieur _Joker," said Francois, pulling aside a curtain to reveal a long, flowing black and red dress.

Harley squealed in delight, clapping her hands. "Lemme try it on!" she shrieked, grabbing it from him and rushing behind the screen.

"_Monsieur _Tetch, blue is your color, I think. It matches your eyes, so I have designed your suit accordingly," said Francois. "But of course _la piece de resistance_ has always been, for you, the hat."

He opened a box and withdrew a shiny black top hat, with a blue band and a card with its usual label of _In this style 10/6_. "Oh…Francois," breathed Tetch, taking it reverently. "It's…gorgeous!"

"Speaking of gorgeous, check this out, boys," purred Harley, emerging from behind the curtain in her usual hat and makeup, and modeling her dress, with the shoulders of the gown resting comfortably off her shoulders, and a slit in the skirt revealing her leg.

Joker whistled. "Well, drown the kids and shoot the neighbors!" he exclaimed. "That's certainly what seeing you makes me wanna do, baby!"

"Oh, Mr. J!" sighed Harley, adoringly. "You know just what to say to a gal!"

"Ah, _Mademoiselle _Quinn, _tu es irrésistible_!" exclaimed Francois, embracing her and kissing her. "If I were the kind of man who chases women, _Monsieur _Joker would have some serious competition."

"Aw, don't sell yourself short, Frankie!" chuckled Joker, clapping him on the back. "I'm sure the dames are nuts about you!"

"Perhaps, but I am not nuts about them," replied Francois. "Any relationships I choose to have I prefer to be masculine ones."

"Yeah, I hear you there," said Joker, nodding. "I prefer the company of guys myself. So much easier to get along with, so much more honest. Take me and the Bat, for example. We got the best kinda relationship. We got a common interest in pain and violence, and we get to indulge our interest in a friendly, open, and straightforward manner."

Francois stared at him. "I was not aware that you and Batman had…that kind of relationship," he said slowly.

"Oh, sure we do!" chuckled Joker. "It's pretty obvious, ain't it? And I'm sure he enjoys it as much as I do."

"And _Mademoiselle _Quinn does not mind?" asked Francois.

Harley shrugged. "It upset me at first, I ain't gonna lie, Francois. But it makes Mr. J so happy, and I just love seeing him happy, so over time I've just come to accept it."

Francois stared at her. "_Mademoiselle _Quinn, you are truly a selfless angel," he breathed. "So much more understanding than many women. Certainly my ex-wife. But it must have been very difficult for you, _Monsieur_ Joker, to have come to terms with the fact that you are gay?"

"Nah, not really," said Joker, shrugging. "People keep trying to bring you down, y'know, but you just gotta refuse to let them. I would have thought that it would be obvious, being a clown and all."

Francois looked at him in puzzlement. "I don't understand," he said. "What does being a clown have to do with being gay?"

"Well, all clowns are gay, ain't they, Frankie?" asked Joker. "I mean, you ain't never heard of a sad clown, have you? That'd be ridiculous."

Francois looked at him. "When you say gay…do you mean happy?" he asked.

"Well, yeah," retorted Joker. "Why? What did you think I meant when I said I was…" His eyes suddenly widened in realization. "Oh…no. No, no, no, I'm not…um…gay. Not in that way. Are you?"

"Yes," replied Francois, calmly.

Joker stared at him in disbelief. "Really? You're gay?"

"I would have thought it would be obvious," retorted Francois.

"But you…you've seen me in my…underthings," he said slowly.

"Yes. And?" asked Francois.

Joker glared at him. "Oh, come on!" he snapped. "Like any gay man in his right mind wouldn't want this attractive speciman of manhood!" he snapped, gesturing to himself. "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Frankie, but I don't swing that way! You might try Tetch – I hear him and Crane have got something funny going on, but not _my_ kinda funny!"

"No, we don't…" began Tetch.

"_Monsieur _Joker, I can assure you, you are not my type," retorted Francois. "And anyway, my romancing days are long over."

Joker nodded. "Yeah, you tell yourself whatever you have to to cope with the pain, Frankie," he said. "Sorry to have to break your heart like this, I really am. Shame to do that to a genius, but maybe it'll inspire you to create the greatest work of your career. I hear romantic rejection can do that, not that I'd know," he chuckled. "Well, we'd better get going! Got a wedding to crash! Geez, sorry, Frankie, hope you don't mind me mentioning weddings considering you can't be married and all…" He suddenly clapped a hand to his mouth. "Oh, geez, all those times I kissed your cheek and stuff, hope you didn't get the wrong impression…"

"No, I did not," replied Francois, smiling patiently. "It is just a custom in France, not an indicator of a burning, hidden passion."

"Still, I'll give you a little extra cash on top of your regular fee for the heartbreak," said Joker, counting out several bills. "I hear money's no good at a time like this, but personally I've never been in a situation where it didn't help. Well…see ya around. C'mon, Harley."

Harley's eyes were filled with tears and she started sobbing. "Aw, Francois, I feel so bad for you!" she cried. "I know I'd go out and kill myself if I couldn't have Mr. J! Why does love always have to hurt?"

"Ah, _Mademoiselle_ Quinn, _l'amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie_. Love makes life's sweetest pleasures and worst misfortunes," said Francois, bowing and kissing her hand. "And yet what poor creatures we would be without it."

Harley nodded again and then followed Joker out of the shop, still sobbing.

Tetch sighed. "I'm sorry about them," he said.

Francois shrugged. "They have paid me extra money for their own misunderstanding. I am not complaining."

"Good point," replied Tetch. He put on his hat and then looked in the mirror. "Well, we must be off to save my love," he said, turning back to Francois and smiling. "Wish me luck."

"I do," replied Francois, nodding. "I sincerely do." He lay his hand on Tetch's arm. "But remember this, _Monsieur _Tetch. _On n'aime que ce qu'on ne possède pas tout entier._"

"That's a quotation from something, isn't it?" said Tetch. "I couldn't tell you what from – I can't really quote anything except Carroll…"

"It's Proust," replied Francois. "We love only what we do not wholly possess. Something for you to consider, perhaps. _Au revoir, Monsieur_ Tetch. And _bonne chance_."


	7. Chapter 7

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Alice Pleasance and William Dodgson in matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace…"

"I object!" shouted a voice, followed by a burst of maniacal laughter.

"Always wanted to do that!" exclaimed Joker, chuckling hysterically as he and Harley strode down the aisle, with Tetch following them.

"What the hell is going on?" demanded Billy angrily. Alice was shocked, but her gaze fell upon Tetch and her eyes filled with an expression of fear mixed with pity.

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings," murmured Tetch.

"I don't speak nerd myself, but I think that loosely translates as hand over the dame and no one gets hurt," laughed Joker, pulling out his gun and pointing it at Billy.

"You're insane!" he hissed.

"And the Pope is Catholic," replied Joker, grinning. "Any other illuminating insights you wanna share, Captain Obvious?"

Billy glared at him, and suddenly noticed Tetch. "You again?" he snapped. "Thought I made it clear to you last time we met that Alice is mine! She don't have any interest in some creepy, ugly, sick little freak! So why don't you just do the decent thing and bow out gracefully like a gentleman?"

"What would you possibly know about how a gentleman acts?" snapped Tetch. "A man like you, who treats Alice as if she were just a common, everyday, ordinary woman instead of the angel she is! What vows were you just about to make and break, about loving and honoring her forever? You don't love or honor her, she's someone you're going to settle for, for whatever reason! Either because you're tired of running the dating circuit, or you think she'll be an easy woman to walk over, loyal and faithful and patiently waiting at home while you go off and do whatever you want, putting up with anything you do to her because she's too blinded by love for you to see what kind of scum you are!"

"Yeah, that ain't no way to treat a lady!" snapped Joker. "And I should know!" he added, chuckling.

"Alice, please come with me," said Tetch, gently, holding out his hand to her. "Please let me save you from that. You don't know what you're doing, but you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

"Jervis, please, try and understand," murmured Alice. "I don't believe you're a bad man – you were always very sweet to me. And I need you to respect me enough to respect my decision."

"Respect?" he repeated. "You talk of respect when you're about to give yourself to that man, who doesn't even know the meaning of that word? People claim that I am insane, that I talk nonsense, but that is the most nonsensical thing I have ever heard!"

"Jervis, please listen to me," she said softly. "You don't understand…"

"No, I don't understand!" interrupted Tetch. "Does that make me mad, Alice? As mad as a hatter? Or is that you, my dear, who is honestly about to devote your life to that monster?! Perhaps we are all mad here, in which case I withdraw my objection – indulge in whatever nonsense you fancy! If that's marrying a beast, you go ahead and marry the beast, my dear! I wish you both the greatest happiness in the world! But let me tell you something, speaking as a certified madman myself – the mad are not happy. They laugh so they do not cry, they smile because that is the only thing keeping them from despairing. I do not wish that fate on you, my dear. I will do anything to prevent it. Alice, I'm trying to help you. Why can't you understand that?"

"I think what Jervis means to say is that _some_ mad people ain't happy," corrected Joker. "Me, I ain't got a problem with being crazy. It's a whole lotta fun, really. But you gotta forgive him for making big, sweeping generalizations – he does have a tendency to be a little melodramatic. I ain't a fan of melodrama myself – it's a bit too dark and gloomy for my taste, so I'm gonna speed things up here."

He cocked his gun, still aimed at Billy's head. "Tell the dame to go with Hatty."

"I will never…" began Billy.

"No, Billy, it's all right," murmured Alice, gently. "Let me talk to him."

She took Tetch's hand and pulled him into the vestibule. Joker beamed at the wedding guests. "Well, I guess that leaves yours truly providing the entertainment while we wait! Who likes jokes? I've got a real killer gag in mind…"


	8. Chapter 8

"I don't want to hurt you, Jervis," murmured Alice. "But you must understand that I have to do what my heart tells me to do. I love Billy…"

"Alice, you don't know what that is, child," he murmured. "Or rather, you think it is something it is not. I understand the kind of madness you feel, I truly do. I have read of such things, the joys of youth, the pleasure of passion, the excitement of lust, of physical affection and intimacy. But that is not love, my dear. That is a temporary madness that will inflict you, and then pass away, leaving you feeling empty and alone when you realize that you do not love him, not truly. Not the way I love you. When every part of every thought returns to you, when you are a part of my soul, of my very being and identity. People talk of giving the one they love the stars and the moon, but that is just an expression – they would not seriously try to do so. I would, Alice, if you asked it of me. No matter how nonsensical or impossible it was, I would do it, for you. I would never stop trying until I had gotten them for you, until I had made you happy, because I have no other purpose in life. That is love, child. Utter, complete devotion, and the inability to separate heart from heart and soul from soul. And if you give your heart to that monster now, you will destroy mine. Whatever poor passion you feel for him cannot possibly equal the enormity of my feelings for you, and you have no right to destroy our love, the perfect, true, honest love we could have, by wasting your heart on him. If I loved you any less, I would kill you for trying to do so. But I could never harm you, certainly not to save myself. Can you truly say the same for the monster? That he loves you enough to destroy himself and sacrifice himself for you?"

She was silent. "Would you really…destroy yourself for me?" she murmured.

"Of course I would," he replied. "If you asked it of me, I would do anything. Anything, Alice."

She shook her head gently. "I am not worthy of it, Jervis," she murmured.

"Of what?" he asked.

"Of anything you have to give," she whispered. "You have a grand love, the kind of love you read about in books, pure and deep and perfect. And I…I'm just a normal girl, Jervis. I just want to be happy. Billy makes me happy. It's as simple as that. I wish I could love as you do, I wish I could feel that deeply and that strongly…but I can't. I don't think it would make me happy to do that. Giving me the stars and the moon wouldn't make me happy either, because I've never wanted anything as grand as all that. I'm not an angel or anything like it. I'm a regular girl. I like to go out dancing and make a fool of myself. I like going shopping and spending too much on shoes. Sometimes I like watching TV without getting dressed or putting my makeup on. I do wear makeup, Jervis. I'm not perfect – I sometimes scream and fight and act irrationally, I sometimes lose my temper and act selfishly, but that's what people do. The person you're in love with…doesn't exist. She's an ideal, your ideal of a perfect woman, and you love her with an astounding passion. But it's not me, Jervis. I am not your Alice. I'm just plain, old Alice Pleasance. And I want to marry plain, old Billy Dodgson. And I was lucky enough to have the friendship of Jervis Tetch, who is a genius, sweet and caring and kind, with an amazing mind, who deserves a far greater woman than me. I truly hope you find your Alice someday. She deserves someone as incredible as you."

And she softly placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him gently. Tetch could not protest further even if he wanted to. He had never been kissed before, and he could never have imagined how wonderful it was, how it overwhelmed his mind and senses, flooding his body with warmth, and melting his heart.

She drew away at last and smiled at him. He could only stare at her in return, before he managed to nod. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes, you are right. It makes sense…it all makes perfect sense now. You are Alice, and I am the Mad Hatter. And they could never be married. What a mad wedding it would be – I imagine the March Hare would be the best man, or I suppose, best hare, and the Dormouse would preside over the ceremony. But who would give you away? No, it would not do, Alice. It would not be right, you know. Not quite right."

He took her hand. "Come, you must be married today. And you must not be late for your very important date. And the time has come. Let us go."

He led her out of the vestibule, where the Joker was flipping through pages of the Bible and reading them out to the guests, and then laughing hysterically as Harley joined him in giggling. "Hey, Tetchy, you're back!" he exclaimed, beaming at him. "I was just reading some jokes to the people here. And talk about a nonsense book – you ever read this?" he asked, holding up the Bible. "What kinda looney wrote this crap?" he chuckled.

"I'm sure it's very droll," replied Tetch. "But we're leaving now, Joker, and letting these people carry on with their ceremony."

Joker's face fell. "What? But I thought we were gonna have some kinda violent gag – I've been promising the folks here something along those lines!"

"Yeah, it ain't fair to build up people's hopes and then dash 'em like that!" cried Harley. "We need to make with the mayhem, Jervis!"

"No, not this time, I think," replied Tetch. "We must be going, or we'll be late for tea, you know, and that's very rude."

He left Alice at the altar, releasing her hand and then turning to walk back down the aisle without another word. "Jervis!" she called gently. He turned. "Do you wanna…give me away?" she asked, softly. "I didn't intend to have anyone do it, my Dad is dead, but if it would help you…well…let go of me, I'd be honored."

Tetch stared at her. "You would let me do that?" he whispered.

She nodded, and he smiled. "Alice, you may protest how you like, but you are an angel," he murmured. "And it would be a pleasure to…"

But at that moment, a black shape burst through the roof, sending glass shattering and people panicking and screaming. "Now that's more like it!" chuckled Joker as Batman landed in front of him. "Way to go, Batsy, literally crashing the wedding! I can always count on you to provide senseless mayhem and violence when it's most need…"

Batman punched him in the face, and then began to beat him. "Hey, don't get blood on the suit, Batsy, it's gorgeous!" snapped Joker.

Batman didn't respond except to block Harley's attack and then send her flying against the wall. Tetch watched as he battled the two of them, stunned, which instantly turned to fury.

"You monster!" he shouted, leaping at Batman. "I'll kill you for this!"

The fight was a short one, and Batman had them all handcuffed within minutes. "How could you, you brute?!" demanded Tetch as he struggled against the handcuffs. "How could you ruin her wedding?! I will never forgive you for this, you hear me?! I will kill you for it one day, I swear!"

"Me?" snapped Batman. "You were the one who…"

"Hey, we may have crashed it, but Jervis was gonna let her go through with the ceremony!" snapped Harley. "He was gonna give her away and everything! It was gonna be real romantic, and you ruined it all as usual, you big jerk! Why do you have to go around destroying romance, huh, Bat-brain?! You jealous?!"

Batman looked at them, stunned. "You mean he wasn't going to…kidnap her?"

"That was the original plan," retorted Tetch. "But plans change, as I'm sure you know, you overbearing bully!"

Batman turned to look at Alice, who was being held by Billy. "Is that true?" he asked.

Alice nodded. "Yeah. But don't worry, Batman, you were only trying to help."

Joker laughed hysterically. "Awkward, Bats!" he chuckled. "Guess the Caped Crusader should be called the Caped Invader, huh? Or the Caped Humiliator? How about just the Caped Failure? Not quite the same ring to it, but still a pretty good description…"

Batman punched him in the face again, and then dragged him and Harley outside to the waiting Batmobile. He returned and approached Alice. "I'm sorry," he said.

"It's fine, really," she replied. "It doesn't change anything – we'll just get married another day."

Batman nodded and then prepared to drag Tetch away. "Wait," said Alice, standing up and coming over to him. She kissed Tetch's cheek. "Goodbye, Jervis," she murmured, smiling. "Maybe I can stop by and visit you in the asylum one day?"

"I imagine that would be terribly difficult, what with it always being tea-time," murmured Tetch. "I could not ask you to skip tea for me."

She smiled. "Well, maybe I'll visit on my unbirthday, and you can throw me a party."

He beamed at her. "Oh, Alice," he breathed. "I love you."

And he gazed at her in adoration until Batman dragged him out of sight.


	9. Chapter 9

Joker laughed hysterically. "Hey, Tetchy, I can see why you like this nonsense crap!" he giggled, looking up from the book and smiling at Tetch who sat across from him in the Rec Room. "It's filthy! Listen to this: 'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love, what a beautiful Pussy you are, you are, you are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!'"

He chuckled madly and Harley joined in, curled up in his lap. "For the last time, that's Lear!" snapped Tetch, reaching for his cup of tea. "They're not at all similar!"

"They're pretty similar," replied Crane, looking up from his own book.

"To the uneducated, possibly," retorted Tetch.

"Oh Jervis, I am many things, but uneducated, I am not," retorted Crane. "There's no need to be rude just because you're still upset at Batman."

Tetch sighed. "Yes, forgive me, I'm sorry, Jonathan. But I am still angry at the brute. I think I always will be."

"Join the club," said Crane, dryly. "It's called Arkham Asylum."

"You trying to be funny, Johnny?" snapped Joker, glaring at him angrily. "You wanna cut that out right now. You don't see me going around trying to be a nerd."

"I'm trying to be witty, not funny," retorted Crane. "Therefore I am in no danger of treading on your toes, Joker."

"Hey, Mr. J is witty!" snapped Harley. "That's why gay guys are in love with him! He's like Oscar Wilde, only straight!"

"What?" said Crane, puzzled.

"Long story, Jonathan, and not very interesting," sighed Tetch.

"All you need to know is don't go getting any ideas," retorted Joker. "I don't wanna have to break your heart too."

Crane looked at him for a moment, about to ask what he was talking about, then, deciding he didn't want to know, sighed and turned his attention back to his book without another word. Apparently they had had a whole series of adventures, which had ended in Tetch voluntarily giving up the girl of his dreams. Crane didn't understand it, even after Tetch explained it to him.

"Trying to make her love me would have been like…like…painting the roses red," he had said sadly.

Crane just looked at him. "I'm sorry, I'm a terrible friend, but it's been ages since I've read…"

"It means an exercise in futility," explained Tetch. "Painting white roses red once they've already been planted white. Glossing over the truth - pretending that things are different to what they are. Pretending she could ever love me, when she was already in love with him. The punishment for painting the roses red was beheading, and I would have deserved the same sentence. Besides, we can only love what we do not wholly possess. She will never be mine. And I will love her completely until the day I die. Perhaps that's what true love is."

Crane stared at him in surprise. "Did you just quote Proust?" he asked.

Tetch managed a simle. "You see, I am getting better."

**The End**


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